The Secret Council of American Negroes and "The Blackest Tea"

The Secret Council of American Negroes is a parody blog started in 2008. Get caught up by clicking here.

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The Secret Council of American Negroes, also known as SCAN, is the man behind the man, behind the other man, behind the woman, behind everything that goes on in Black America. When your white friends wonder aloud how a black man could become president or why the NBA stands for "Nuttin' But Africans," it was us. We had a meeting and we decided these things. That's what we do. We're not all powerful (no one is), but we're powerful enough to get Colin Powell to troll the GOP and start talking about "inclusion" and racism at the Republican National Convention. And that's despite the fact that Powell is also a member of our sister (and rival) organization, Negroes of North America, aka NONA. It's a conservative off-shoot of SCAN who thought we'd been infiltrated by Democrats after we backed Brother Obama instead of Brother Powell for "Operation Real David Palmer." Truth be known, Brother Powell didn't want the gig, but you can't tell J.C. Watts shit.

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Meanwhile, In A Macon, Ga. Underground Bunker ...

Macon, Ga. secret home of underground organization "The Secret Council of American Negroes." (Photo via Wikipedia)

SETTING: The underground office of the mysterious HNIC, the enigmatic leader of legendary, underground pro-black organization, The Secret Council of American Negroes, aka "SCAN." Founded by Frederick Douglass and Harriet Tubman in 1865, SCAN is a secret organization that is actually behind ever black advancement in the history of America. Voting Rights Act of 1964? That was SCAN. Michael Jackson? SCAN engineered him in their research labs. Black man in space? SCAN. Oprah? SCAN. The Jolie-Pitts moving to New Orleans to build houses after Katrina? We got a kid on that. Operation Real David Palmer, aka "The Election of Barack Obama." Who do you think? Halle Berry's Oscar for "Monster's Ball." C'mon. She's not that good. SCAN, baby. SCAN. We're everywhere. We're the organization your white friends keep asking about. We set the standard. Expect us, baby. EXPECT US. 

Right after we wake up from this nap ...

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The Rebirth of SCAN (Coming Attractions)

The Secret Council of American Negroes -- the well-loved, but sometimes neglected red-headed stepchild of The Black Snob -- will be relaunching next month with the goal of being updated twice a month. I know. I know. It's been dormat FOREVER now and a few of you (you know who you are) have all been like "Um ... can we get a SCAN update? Pretty please?" I've been listening, but the SCAN entries are a little harder to write and often take longer to put together. I tried to write a SCAN piece about Harold Ford Jr. when he was half-ass trying to run for Senate in New York but pulled the plug on the thing due to "lameness." I ... I just can't have SCAN be lame! But we're going to work something out.

Until then, take a trip down memory lane with the adventures of Sallie Sellassie, the world's littlest super agent and relive the excitement of Operation Real David Palmer from Begrudingly Backing Biden to The Inuit Who Loved Me to The Palin Problem to The Race Card to the party they threw after Obama won.

SCAN: The Return of Agent Sallie Selassie, Celebrity Baby Spy!

In the war against ignorance, on the frontlines remains one of the Secret Council of American Negroes’ wiliest of double-agents, code name “Sallie Sellassie.” Living as the adopted child of an infamous, orphan addicted celebrity couple, Sallie’s main objective is to use her parents name for fame to the benefit of Negroes everywhere.

In her last correspondence with SCAN and her “handler,” codename “Brofucious,” Sellassie was dealing with the pressures of living in a house with “too many damn babies” in it, while working to get additional aid for the Gulf Coast. The following conversation took place in early April after Cannes.

Read the rest on The Secret Council of American Negroes!

Condi and the Dinner Party of Doom (Reprint!)

Alas some people could not read the original version of this lampooning of a bored Condi Rice at a party for Michael Steele, so we're going to try this AGAIN on the Snob Blog page. Let me know if folks still can't read it! Thanks and enjoy!

(Click through for story)

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It's Condi's Party And She Can Be Annoyed If She Wants To (Satire)

Condoleeza Rice just wanted to endure yet another Negroes of North America party where election losses have left everyone bitter and jaded. Just one party and back to her new life of martinis, speeches, book deals and dating "ballers," but first she has to survive the "Party of Doom" where you learn that you keep your enemies far away and your friends even further.

Click after the jump for the full story of Condoleeza Rice and the Party of Doom.

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SCAN Just Says No (For the Fifth Time) To Rev. Al

Name: Alfred Charles Sharpton

Occupation: You fools know who I am, this is the fifth application I've filled out. I killed Don Imus. Killed HIM. What the fuck have ya'll done but get Obama elected? I coulda done that shit if you hadn't had me and that punk bitch Mitt Romeny with paper sacks on our heads like the fucking "Unknown Comic" or some shit. Ya'll bogus as hell.

Why do you think you deserve to be a member of this organization: I'm the shit. Have you seen this perm? Fly as hell. And white folks are scared shitless of me. Did I mention I KILLED DON IMUS?

SCAN members are often asked to sacrifice everything for the cause of Negro advancement. How far are you willing to go?: I will go on CNN, MSNBC, FOX News, CBS, NBC, ABC, even the fucking BBC. I'll pull a full Ginsburg for my people in a hot minute!

Click to read the rest at The Secret Council of American Negroes ...

SCAN: Undercover Brother?

On Tuesday there was a security breach on the Macon, Ga. campus of the Secret Council of American Negroes' (SCAN) HQ when members of SCAN's sister/rival organization, Negroes of North America (NONA), showed up unannounced, demanding to speak directly with the HNIC.

NONA members Ken Blackwell and Dr. Ada Fisher of the Republican Party somehow made it to the secure wing of the second floor before being stopped by a field agent on her way back from the restroom. Blackwell and Fisher refused to leave SCAN without speaking to someone on the high council and eventually the field agent was able to get Special Agent Quantifia Smith of the Atlanta Office to hear out their complaint along with an assistant who took down transciption for the record.

Here is an accounting of the incident.

KEN BLACKWELL: Well, is it on? Can we talk now! I've been in this office for FOUR HOURS!

ASSISTANT: The mic is live.

[Councilwoman Smith lets out a loud audible sigh.]

SMITH: What's wrong now?

DR. ADA FISHER: Where's the HNIC! We came here to speak directly to ...

SMITH: I'm authorized to handle this matter. You've been in here throwing up holy hell all day. What is it? What's the problem?

BLACKWELL: You KNOW what the problem is! You know and I know and EVERYONE knows! Ya'll uppity ass so-and-sos thought this shit was funny. Thought you'd have a good laugh up in here at OUR EXPENSE! Sippin' ya lattes and chortling foam out ya' noses at us.

SMITH: I have no idea what you're talking about.

FISHER: We had a truce, dammit.

SMITH: How can I know how to help you two if you won't tell me what you think we here at SCAN did?

BLACKWELL: Don't play dumb with me! Steele, mutha fucka! MICHAEL STEELE!

Click to read the rest at THE SECRET COUNCIL OF AMERICAN NEGROES site ...

SCAN Update: It's A Celebration! (Satire)

Top secret island fortress and SCAN secret headquarters and wayward black celebrity rehab/exile station, St. Sojourner, named for abolitionist Sojouner Truth.Shortly after the election of 44th president of the United States Barack Hussein Obama and before the Inauguration, the Obamas took part in a pre-Inaugural celebration on Saint Sojourner, SCAN's Fortress Island in an undisclosed location in the West Indies.

Separated from the press pack after disappearing into a local Hawaiian shaved ice stand and water park Dec. 27, 2008, the Obama's were quickly spirited away by SCAN FORCE ONE to the island to take part in the top secret festivities planned, late as usual, for the new First Family.

There high ranking members of the Secret Council of American Negroes, along with their Conservative sister organizations, Negroes of North American (NONA), threw a joint "Mission Accomplished" party for the incoming president and family.

In attendance were the shadowy, HNIC, pivitol members of Operation Real David Palmer, high level members of SCAN's governing council.

Here is a brief, heavily edited transcript and description of the on-goings.

Click to read more at The Secret Council of American Negroes ...