Mitt Romney Barely Beats Surging Santorum While Rick Perry Adorably Continues Losing Campaign

Rick Perry keeps running, literally and in the race for 2012. (Via Twitter)In the latest round of "Anybody But Mittens," Mitt Romney barely beat out a booming Rick Santorum for an Iowa Caucus win. And by "barely," I mean there's an eight vote difference. But ol' Ricky Santorum even getting this far is an amazing feat considering the game of musical chairs various GOP candidates have played in their fight for front-runner.

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GOP Puts Out Hit On 'Racist' Ron Paul Over Iowa

"Ball so hard, these Republicans wanna fine me."

Man, how worried do you think the GOP is about Ron Paul winning a state? I think they're pretty worried. Like, cry, gnash teeth and pull hair worried. They're actually attacking Ron Paul! With mean words and warnings and EVERYTHING! CNN is chasing him around, demanding "answers" to things! Folks are trying super hard to make that "Ron Paul is probably a racist bigot" thing ... a thing! There's even a fake Twitter about it! He's a Real Live Candidate! 

He's arrived! And he's arrived with the potential to destroy, like Galactus: Devourer of Worlds.

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Everybody Panic! Kim Jong Il Is Dead As GOP Candidates Rattle Sabers At Iran

Sunday night word finally made it's way to the rest of the world that "Dear Leader" Kim Jong Il of the "People's Democratic Republic" of Korea, aka the "Best" Korea, had died on a train. Of course, who knows if that's true, being as North Korea is a completely cut-off country trapped in a ruthless dictatorship. Kim Jong Il could have died from an orgy or eating too many jelly beans or could have died three years ago and he was pulling a "Sixth Sense" all this time. You don't know. I don't know.

It's North Korea.

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All I Want For Christmas Is A Ron Paul Win In Iowa

The Iowa Caucuses are almost upon us and an EXCITING turn of events is taking place! Polls show that Crazy Libertarian Grandpa Ron Paul is only a few percentage points behind poll leader Newt Gingrich. As crazy as "poll leader Newt Gingrich" sounds, Ron Paul being within hand-to-hand combat distance of stealing this thing is even more exciting. Mostly because a Ron Paul win would throw the entire GOP race into crisis mode and who doesn't love a good ol' fashioned crises mode meltdown? Mitt Romney crying in a corner shouting, "What does it mean?" TV reporters tossing up their papers in frustration! News anchors being forced to interview Ron Paul and seriously talk about him as a "contender!" The Paulites going full-throttle on the Internet, trolling sites left and right saying "I TOLD YOU SO!"

I want this. I want this badly. Give it to me, ye' election Gods!

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Pro-Zombie Reagan Debate Light On Substance, Heavy On "Let Me Finish"

Texas Gov. Rick "Good Hair" Perry may have got the headline of Wednesday night's presidential debate by doubling-down on his "Social Security is a ponzi scheme" statements, but the real Ponzi shenanigans going on weren't coming from our entitlement programs, but about three-fourths of the candidates on that stage. Many of whom who weren't so much pushing campaigns, but pushing for future punditry/lobbying gigs and book deals. With their non-existent poll rankings and fatal personality flaws, they wasted time talking loud and signifying nothing while Jon Huntsman fought for relevancy and Ron Paul fought for respect. They were a cacophony of phonies you already forgot were running, grifting in the background while well-coiffed doppelgangers Perry and his seething prissy rival Willard "Mittens" Romney fought for America's hand in marriage.

Here's the highlights of a debate featuring your political Kens and one Barbie, known kooks, political hustlers and ... Ron Paul.

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Ad Asks: "Have You Ever Had Sex With Rick Perry?"

Click to enlarge.Ron Paulite Robert Morrow is wondering if you've made sweet, sweet love to that sex machine and aspiring presidential candidate Texas Gov. Rick Perry lately. In an ad published in an Austin, TX alternative newspaper, Morrow asks if you're a "stripper, an escort, or just a 'young hottie' impressed by an arrogant, entitled governor of Texas?" If so, he's got some money and would like to get to knool' Good Hair Perry out of the race. Morrow is repping for the "Committee Against Sexual Hypocrisy," aka CASH. (It rules everything around him.) Which is really just him and his special checkbook for people who are not Perry's wife who let Perry enter their available body cavities.

So, ahem. Any of you had sex with Rick Perry lately? Don't you all raise your hands at once! (Gawker)

Highlights From "Who Wants To Be A President?" GOP Debate In Iowa

From UK GuardianIt was fight night in Ames, Iowa Thursday and FOX News actually did a good job. (Seriously, they did! It was an entertaining, if too damn long, two hour debate!) Chris Wallace and the homies asked almost all the crazy, shit-stirring questions you could ever want, causing Presidential wannabe Tim Pawlenty to point his weak chin in his fellow Minnesotan Michele Bachmann's direction and start the fisticuffs. But because Pawlenty is hopelessly lame, Bachmann and her delicious word salad was successful in beating him back every time. Most notably by saying T-Paw is Obama-like. 

Oh no she didn't!

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Newt Gingrich Is the John McCain of 2012 ... Maybe

Nobody likes Newt Gingrich!

This is why I always found the former Speaker of the House's quixotic campaign for President so fascinating. He can't be serious after all. Racking up bills at Tiffany's and sunning himself on a rock when he's supposed to be kissing babies and feeling up campaign donors. The fact that when he loves America too much his wives don't fare too well. The fact that he went to war with a weakened Bill Clinton in the 90s, got his ass handed to him, and was run out of Washington. But he's back now! And still painfully clueless! His staff is abandoning him en masse. No one wants to give him money. Yet ... if Gingrich keeps this up, he just might fail his way into being the next Republican nominee for president. Then get his ass handed to him by a weakened, but still beyond better than the competition, President Barack Obama.

Here's why!

More after the jump.

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Ron Paul, Running For President Of Your Mind

Another fantasy league GOP candidate announced he's running for President today, good ol' Ron Paul. As you may recall, the Texas Representative from Ayn Randville has done this a few times before already. Since there's so much "Hey, hey, the gang's all here" going on with the Republican ticket, surely Alan Keyes will be announcing his return to the mainstream any day now with Herman Cain stealing all his righteous conservative black man thunder. (Although Cain doesn't suffer from nearly the same degree of debilitating pure crazy that Keyes is afflicted with.)

Other "Hey, it's you again" GOP-ers include: The Return of Newt, that one delusional boring guy and My Fair Mittens Romney. But this Republican Party won't be a "par-taaay" if a few more of the old 2008 bunch doesn't hop in. I'm holding out on some Rudy Guiliani action. No one has shouted "a noun, a verb and 9/11" enough this go-round.