New Hampshire: Ugh. Is Mittens The Nominee Yet?

So New Hampshire held the first primary of the 2012 election season (for those playing at home Iowa was a "caucus"), and Mitt Romney won by a healthy 39 percent.

Meaning, Romney is still the front-runner, still the "inevitable" nominee, still destined to go up against incumbent President Barack Obama in the fall. Oh, goody.

Unfortunately, sanity hasn't quite yet returned to the process and how could it? The GOP nominee is still this smarmy, punchable, grown up Richie Rich making $10,000 bets and calling corporations people and talking about how he hates to run out of pink slips. (Or maybe he was afraid to get a pink slip? I dunno. How do you get fired when you're the boss? Can God make an object so heavy even He can't pick it up? Mind-boggles.)

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GOP Puts Out Hit On 'Racist' Ron Paul Over Iowa

"Ball so hard, these Republicans wanna fine me."

Man, how worried do you think the GOP is about Ron Paul winning a state? I think they're pretty worried. Like, cry, gnash teeth and pull hair worried. They're actually attacking Ron Paul! With mean words and warnings and EVERYTHING! CNN is chasing him around, demanding "answers" to things! Folks are trying super hard to make that "Ron Paul is probably a racist bigot" thing ... a thing! There's even a fake Twitter about it! He's a Real Live Candidate! 

He's arrived! And he's arrived with the potential to destroy, like Galactus: Devourer of Worlds.

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You're Getting A Payroll Tax Increase For Christmas (Maybe)

Down goes, Fraizer!Ah, checkmate. It's a tough position to be in. Looking at that Chess board with no real moves available. But what happens if you're in checkmate and you just refuse to admit it? Well, you get the current wannabe stalemate that's really a checkmate in Congress right now over the payroll tax.

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Michele Bachmann: Newt Gingrich Debate Assassin

Of all the also-rans running for the GOP nomination the one that has shown the most growth during "America's Next Top Model: Wannabe Presidents Edition," is Michele Bachmann, who started out in the debates being blustering, then inconsistent, then non-existent in a few debates to wingnut assassin, vigorously going after anyone who might be winking at her Freeper base. Those are HER Freepers, dammit! Hand's off!

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All I Want For Christmas Is A Ron Paul Win In Iowa

The Iowa Caucuses are almost upon us and an EXCITING turn of events is taking place! Polls show that Crazy Libertarian Grandpa Ron Paul is only a few percentage points behind poll leader Newt Gingrich. As crazy as "poll leader Newt Gingrich" sounds, Ron Paul being within hand-to-hand combat distance of stealing this thing is even more exciting. Mostly because a Ron Paul win would throw the entire GOP race into crisis mode and who doesn't love a good ol' fashioned crises mode meltdown? Mitt Romney crying in a corner shouting, "What does it mean?" TV reporters tossing up their papers in frustration! News anchors being forced to interview Ron Paul and seriously talk about him as a "contender!" The Paulites going full-throttle on the Internet, trolling sites left and right saying "I TOLD YOU SO!"

I want this. I want this badly. Give it to me, ye' election Gods!

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Newt Gingrich Wants To Be Your Man While Your Romney Gently Weeps

Mitt Romney just can't catch a break! Just when The Cain Train finally derailed and crashed under the duress of lady scandals and abject stupidity, it was Newt Gingrich who got the poll bump. Going into the January caucuses, Newt is in the lead. Politico is reporting that Romney is looking to "reboot" himself, as if he's the Spider-Man film franchise or something. Maybe he could re-cast his campaign by keeping the name, but having actor Ryan Gosling run in his place?

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Herman Cain Has A Brain Fart Over Libya (Video)

Libya! Did Barack Obama have enough "intelligence" on the issue? You know? With all that diplomacy and CIA intelligence gathering and talking to generals and NATO allies and putting together a strategy that lead to Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi getting all kinds of dead. But what would a BUSINESS MAN have done? Would he have listened to all the facts and alternatives? Herman Cain would have! Then he would have made the decision as the commander-in-chief. That's so obviously different than what Obama did, since he was a PRESIDENT (not a business man) while doing it! I kind of wish Cain would have skipped the "analysis" and just said, "Whatever President Obama did was wrong, even if it was right because that's what I've been told. Look hard enough at Obama and, folks, you'll find something wrong! That's what I believe." That's so much easier to remember.

Herman Cain crises are like Pokemon these days. You gotta catch them all.

Counting the Cain Crises One Cain-tastrophy At A Time

The Many Crises of Herman Cain: The list is still growing! Today I added more Cain Controversies to The Snob's running tally!

23) Princess Nancy

The Foot: During the CNBC Republican debate Herman Cain refers to former House Speaker and Democratic leader in the House, Nancy Pelosi, as "Princess Nancy." One of Cain's many "jokes," critics complain calling Rep. Pelosi a "princess" smacks of sexist insensitivity, not helping his growing rep as a lady harasser.

Read more more more!

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Poor Rick Perry Isn't Too Great At This Debate Thing

Young Rick Perry via Five Feet of FuryThere was another Republican debate last night, this time hosted by CNBC, the last TV bastion of our weary money barons and the pushers of "The War on Wealth" news story. But the only real headline to come out of this latest episode of "Survivor: GOP Presidential Primary," was that Rick Perry continues to stink at debating. "Oops," he did it again, y'all!

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