Everybody Panic! Kim Jong Il Is Dead As GOP Candidates Rattle Sabers At Iran

Sunday night word finally made it's way to the rest of the world that "Dear Leader" Kim Jong Il of the "People's Democratic Republic" of Korea, aka the "Best" Korea, had died on a train. Of course, who knows if that's true, being as North Korea is a completely cut-off country trapped in a ruthless dictatorship. Kim Jong Il could have died from an orgy or eating too many jelly beans or could have died three years ago and he was pulling a "Sixth Sense" all this time. You don't know. I don't know.

It's North Korea.

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North Korea Just Wants Your Attention

Sure, they do it by threatening World War III once a year which seems highly counter-productive, but they're a closed off, isolated, Cold War relic of a Nation-State. Apparently they didn't get the memo that the Cold War was over and that they need to just talk to people, not threaten to blow them up every five minutes, fire actual artillery on civilians and kill two South Korean marines. Unless ... they want to accidentally start World War III by killing people. FYI: If for some reason North Korea decides to reignite the Korean War (because, technically, the war never ended as both sides just stopped fighting one day), the United States would be all up in that war as we have goo-gobs of troops at the border and have pledged to help South Korea if the North ever attacks. So, you know? You should probably care. (AP via Yahoo News)

We're All Gonna Die: North Korea Hates Hawaii Edition

So ... North Korea wants to blow up some things. Again. Or, at least that's what they're screaming. I, personally, think this is just a shakedown for more cash. This is a country that can't take a shit without China approving and I doubt China's in the mood for nuclear war right off their border, not to mention the attack of their No. 1 consumer base. Someone has to buy their cheap shit. That someone is still us ... even at our most financially strapped. Plus, it's in no one's best interest for us to go to war -- with nukes -- with the North Koreans.

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North Korea Is Testing Missiles! We're All Gonna Die! (So Let's Google Stalk TJ Holmes)

I honestly wanted to write something deep and profound about Kim Jong-Il. Really. I did. I was going to go on about how he's really not "crazy," and testing missiles is his usual song and dance to get more cash out of us, Europe and his neighbors. But the whole "I'm a loco dictator and I'm gonna blow up the effin' world if you don't pay me, bitches!" shit gets super old super fast. I actually feel sorry for Russia, China, South Korea and Japan, who have to basically put up with this bullshit on a round-the-clock basis as they are within weapons range. We talk like a missile might be able to get to Alaska. Maybe. But they have to live it. Even if Jong-Il got one of those raggedy-ass long range rockets off the ground and got it aimed in Alaska's general direction, the state is about 90 percent tundra and rocks and about 10 percent people. All he's gonna do is kill some polar bears, incur the wrath of Sarah Palin and piss a lot of Americans off (including yours truly).

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