Jon Huntsman Picks Up Toys, Goes Home; Romney Hands Out Cash

Jon Hunstman, the Republican president candidate who could never shake that "Obama hired me to be Ambassador to China," moderate conservative stink off himself, dropped out of the GOP race today. Huntsman, naturally, endorsed the man who he most resembled without all the complications of being a horrible phony -- Mittens Romney.

Mittens, known for his robotic qualities and pathological inconsistencies was somewhere in South Carolina giving a poor black woman $60 in cash. It was a perfect storm of annoyances -- from the optics of a black person getting an actual "hand-out," to reinforcing the ideology that occasional donations from Daddy Warbucks should take care of our poor and not a strong social safety net built on our tax dollars, to reinforcing the belief that all poor, begging people are black people.

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GOP Candidates Show Up For A Fight, But ABC Insists On A Debate Breaking Out

Somewhere, in-between me knitting booties for little Blue Illuminati Carter, the GOP had two debates this weekend leading up to the New Hampshire primary. The first debate, hosted by ABC News had so much promise, starting off with a lot of angry posturing, testy exchanges, harrumphing and epic put downs, but for some reason, ABC thought it would be way too exciting to watch six men on the edge of a breakdown lose their collective shit on stage, so they zapped all the life out that sucker by making the debate about how much Mitt Romney hates "hypothetical" questions about gay people and abortions.

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Mitt Romney Barely Beats Surging Santorum While Rick Perry Adorably Continues Losing Campaign

Rick Perry keeps running, literally and in the race for 2012. (Via Twitter)In the latest round of "Anybody But Mittens," Mitt Romney barely beat out a booming Rick Santorum for an Iowa Caucus win. And by "barely," I mean there's an eight vote difference. But ol' Ricky Santorum even getting this far is an amazing feat considering the game of musical chairs various GOP candidates have played in their fight for front-runner.

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Pro-Zombie Reagan Debate Light On Substance, Heavy On "Let Me Finish"

Texas Gov. Rick "Good Hair" Perry may have got the headline of Wednesday night's presidential debate by doubling-down on his "Social Security is a ponzi scheme" statements, but the real Ponzi shenanigans going on weren't coming from our entitlement programs, but about three-fourths of the candidates on that stage. Many of whom who weren't so much pushing campaigns, but pushing for future punditry/lobbying gigs and book deals. With their non-existent poll rankings and fatal personality flaws, they wasted time talking loud and signifying nothing while Jon Huntsman fought for relevancy and Ron Paul fought for respect. They were a cacophony of phonies you already forgot were running, grifting in the background while well-coiffed doppelgangers Perry and his seething prissy rival Willard "Mittens" Romney fought for America's hand in marriage.

Here's the highlights of a debate featuring your political Kens and one Barbie, known kooks, political hustlers and ... Ron Paul.

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