Old News: Reggie Bush and The Essence Cover of Doom (Guest Post)

By Erica Jane

Reggie Bush appearing on the cover of Essence’s first “Black Love and Relationships” issue has some black women up in arms. What’s their issue? The NFL star/USC Graduate is dating the infamous Kim Kardashian who, unlike certain parts of her body and her appearances on BET would lead some to believe, is not a black woman. However, this anger seems hypocritical and unnecessary; especially considering the fact that no one was irate when Terrence Howard was on the Cover in April of 2007 and his—on again off again—wife of over 14 years is a white woman as well.

More after the jump.

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Serena's Nude Cover: Celebration of a Beautiful Body or Scandalous?

As many of you probably already know, Serena Williams recently posed nude for the cover of EPSN Magazine. Smiling like she's from a cheesecake shot of old (Bettie Paige, eat your heart out). She's pretty, she's sexy, she's brown and looks delicious, but naturally you can't pose butt-booty-nekkid on the cover of a magazine without garnering a few comments. Everything from "Damn! She looks fine!" to "She is ruining black America!" Demetria L. Lucas of ESSENCE.com threw in her two-cents today, deriding those who are acting like one cheeky photo is going to bring down black womanhood.

More after the jump.

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The Congressional Black Caucus, Essence Online and Me

My future's so bright, I have to wear shades!Exciting developments in Snobland!

The Black Snob is getting all comfy and cozy with the folks over at Essence Magazine. As I type, we are working on our new Web partnership where I will begin penning the occasional story for their online site as well as sharing content from The Black Snob with ESSENCE.com. While they've already begun linking to my articles, next week I'll be heading to the Congressional Black Caucus' Annual Leadership Conference in Washington, D.C. to cover the event for both The Black Snob and ESSENCE.com. While I'll be chronicling my day-to-day activities and finding stories for TBS, for ESSENCE.com I will be chronicling the emerging black social scene in D.C. that is bubbling ever since a certain family moved to Pennsylvannia Avenue.

I'll be returning to Washington, D.C. Sept. 22 to cover the event that lasts from Sept. 23 through the 26th. Then I will be heading to New York to cover the last day of the Urbanworld Film Festival for the site. I know! I'm, like, crazy busy and loving it. I'll also be doing ever more networking and meeting up with more friends and then heading back to Washington, D.C. for a big meeting about a TV show I've been writing the pilot episode for. Needles to say, The Snob has had her chubby, little upturned nose in some of everything this summer and the same now goes for the fall. I'll keep you posted as things develop!

Smooches!

The Snob

Signs of Desperate Times: Essence's Strip Club Hook-Up (Guest Post)

Essence suggested a lot of places to meet menfolk in their latest issue, but the strip club is one doozy that threw Lola for a loop.

By Lola Gets

There was a piece in the June edition of Essence Magazine titled, "10 Places to Find Black Men. Of course," the usual tired suggestions came out: children’s sporting activities, volunteering, hanging out at a bookstore, etc. But there was one very intriguing suggestion that Id like to get you readers’ opinion of: strip clubs.

Yes, Essence Magazine suggested that single women everywhere head to their local strip club to try to meet men.

More after the jump.

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Early Mother's Day Gift: Michelle and Mom On Essence

That's a gorgeous, warm, loving shot, I tell you what. Makes me want to go smother Mama Snob in hugs an kisses.

Also, anyone know how many times Michelle had been on either Essence or Ebony now?

More Obamas In More Magazines

Courtesy of WWD Media (Women's Wear Daily) and an anonymous tipster: The Obamas on the cover of Essence in a story by Gwen Ifil! Tyra Banks, unrecognizable and looking nothing like Michelle Obama in Harper's Bazaar! So much fun!

Essence Magazine cover

Tyra and another model posing as a fashion fantasy version of Michelle and Barack for Harper's Bazaar. I don't quite get it and Tyra doesn't look like herself or Michelle. But perhaps there will be more pictures to go with this politically inspired fashion spread. (The purple obviously invokes Michelle's royal purple victory sheath dress from "Delegate Clinching Day." Fake model Barack though is kind of hot. Like Barack's sexy big-eared half-brother. Rrroawrrr!

Check Yer Wig!

I'm not implying that the lovely Lynn Whitfield is making sure her $12 special isn't crooked. (Mostly because I think a good percentage of it is her hair.) Lynn is obviously auditioning for the remake of Klymaxx's "Meeting In the Lady's Room" video. But "Check Yo' Wig" seemed to be a better fit for this series of pictures from the only music festival I wish I could have attended (that wasn't Coachella) -- the Essence Music Festival, which happened over the Fourth of July holiday, ending July 6th. Here are a few highlights.

Chris Rock doing his funny for money; Musiq Soulchild looking a hot mess in an Obama, "Yes We Can" shirt -- which I now fear is becoming the Che Guevara T-shirt/Malcolm X baseball cap of the 2000s; and Mary J. Blige.

Keyshia Cole. I like her voice a lot, but I'm sometimes a little concerned about her personality so I've been avoiding reading anything about her for the past two years.

Morris Day, performing with The Time. I love Morris and The Time and I own every Time album. Gigolos Get Lonely Too is the cut. And 777-9311? ... So good I wish the Minneapolis Sound would stage a comeback. And don't get me started on Ice Cream Castles, the greatest "make love, not racism" anthem ever created.

Mary J., Kanye and LL Cool J.

Chris Brown took nothing but bland, bland, bland photos for this event. This was especially odd considering he was all too willing to scar me mentally by faux humping Ciara whilst she was dressed as a dominatrix during one of the million replays of the 2008 BET Awards.

Aren't they both like 12? And are people letting their kids watch this because Mama and Papa Snob let me watch Motown 25 with them and I don't recall Michael Jackson rubbing his crotch all over Diana Ross' girl parts. And all the Grammy Awards shows featured nothing but Lionel Richie, Michael Jackson and Babyface for nearly two decades. Will Smith, of all people, was the hip hop militant trying to get a best rap song category on the Grammys. Yet, I never saw 'Face simulate cunnilingus with Pebbles during an extended Luther Campbell remix of "Love Makes Things Happen."

But I'm practically ancient, being 30 and all. Maybe dressing in black latex and turning the weight room into a orgy pit/sex torture chamber is what's hot in the streets these days.

Fortunately, Chris Brown's real life dominatrix, Rihanna, took more arresting, back-bending photos.

I can't tell how good she is at it (that "it" being singing), but that woman knows how to sell it. It's like she digested and shitted out Matthew and Tina Knowles' bestseller, "Be Your Own Pimp (Or At Least Your Kid's Pimp ... But In A Good Way!)." Whether she's dressed like Madonna and Angelina Jolie's love child who just broke up with Janet Jackson (Madonna and Ang -- why didn't that ever happen? Or did it?) or if she's just your friendly, flirty, fantasy girl from the island she knows how to work what she has.

I'm not so sure about Brown. He's cute, I guess. But I tend to like my menfolk Prince/Evan Ross fey or Tiki "Why do we still have our clothes on" Barber. I don't like the mushy, shiny, goody-goody middle. And no matter how hard he dry humped Ciara I never really bought into it. Gross as Robert Sylvester Kelly is, it was game on every time he fake humped a girl for show. Seeing Chris Brown do that was like my initial reaction when I heard Tevin Campbell's version of "Shhh.: Yeah, he could sing, but Tevin Campbell as a sex object? Sweet Lord, no. Being a filthy prepubescent perv was Usher Raymond's thing.

But my larger point is ... Chris Brown seems bland. Rihanna's attractive and throwing all kinds of elbows to make her place as an R&B "It" girl. I'd forgotten Ciara was still working with the radio being nothing but wall-to-wall Rihanna songs right now. And in this era of "Everybody Loves (Usher) Raymond," Chris Brown does not compute. He looks like he should be starring in High School Musical 3. Now granted, Rihanna could be in High School Musical 3 too, but she also looks like someone who'd pose half-naked in King Magazine or put shots of her under-boobage on MySpace just to get out of her Disney contract.

In a world based purely on who people "think" Rihanna and Chris are versus their actual personalities, Rihanna would be dating either an NBA-All Star (i.e. Chris Paul or LeBron James) or some Hollywood It Boy (Shia LaBeouf? I don't like him but he's an "it.") and Chris Brown would be with either Raven Simone or the lesser Duff sister, Haylie.

Of course, I think Raven could do better.

Tyler Perry: So I got an idea for you, Mayor. Picture this ... 'Madea Meets New Orleans.' It would tell the story of a young woman, played by Anika Noni Rose who loses everything in Hurricane Katrina. She's raising her kid, the father deserted them during the storm, plus her sister's four kids because she's in prison for holding a some crack cocaine for her ex-boyfriend. She has lost all hope until her aunt twice-removed Madea shows up to get her and the rest of the Ninth Ward motivated to rebuild New Orleans for Jesus. And while she rallies the corrupt federal system for more support she is swept off her feet by a handsome young civil rights attorney played by Tyrese Gibson Boris Kodjoe Keenan Thompson*. What do you think?

Nagan: Turn the handsome attorney into the mayor of "Chocolate City" and I won't charge you a lick of taxes to film here.

Perry: SOLD!

Solange Knowles and her son, "Baby" Daniel. Daniel appears to suffer from "cool baby" syndrome. Damn that Maddox Jolie-Pitt! One Mohawk and suddenly everyone's toddler is Travis Barker.

Tavis Smiley and Prof. Cornell West

Bill Cosby and Rev. Al Sharpton

Bill Cosby and radio host Tom Joyner

MC Lyte. I've seen more of her the last ten days than I've seen of her the last ten years.

Michala Angela Davis, Lola Ogunnaike and DJ Beverly Bond

Keyshia Cole and her little dog

Broadway star Sheryl Lee Ralph and actor Boris Kodjoe

Adewale Ogunleye and Sanaa Lathan

* See comments!

Rihanna And the Attack of the Ugly Outfits In Canada and Other Hit or Miss Celebrities

I didn't run my celebrity photo essay on Friday (I was helping a friend out that day. She's pregnant and I offered to help out around the house.) So this is a make-up feature with some new material from over the weekend. Including an Essence gala feature Kanye West's ex-fiancee Alexis Phifer, notables frightening me at Canada's Much Music Awards and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson looking delicious but needing a shave.

Per usual, I encourage you to add your own observations to the hit parade.

ESSENCE MAGAZINE PONDERS "IF LOOKS COULD KILL"

Aspiring designer and ex of Kanye, Alexis Phifer kind of looks like MTV's Real World Los Angeles alum Tami Roman in this picture. I don't know how to feel about the dress, which is kind of cute on her, but also reminds me of toilet paper.

Keyshia Cole. She's cute, but I'm not feeling the anything she has on.

I have no idea who this "Mashonda" person is, but she's in nearly every picture at this event.

I'm going to assume Toyota is some kind of sponsor considering everyone is posing like this is Low Riders International.

RIHANNA AND THE MUCH MUSIC OUTFITS OF DOOM

It didn't start out that bad ...

Her hair was cute.

Then the "WTF?" alarm started blaring over the weird white harness looking faux suspenders.

And it only gets worse from here.

I'm just going to say it. She looks like she's auditioning for an all-female version of the Village People, but I can't tell if she's a cop, soldier or a sailor in her pleather pants.

As for other WTF moments. Did you know New Kids On the Block are back?

I was never a big NKOTB fan (it's all about New Edition), but I would be lying if I didn't admit to liking a few songs (which all managed to get played on BET back in the day).

While the "bad boy" of the group, Donnie Wahlberg (the lesser Wahlberg because it's ALL about Marky Mark and his Calvins) won me over as a cop on the aborted NBC drama "Boomtown," my favorite New Kid is/was Jordan Knight because I bought his solo album seven years ago and it was a nice dose of pop. I especially loved his take on Prince's "I Would Never Take the Place of Your Man" by slowing it down and making it a ballad.

That said, who wanted this? What sick bastard was demanding to hear "Hanging Tough" one more 'gain? Was it the gays? Was it the 30 year old women who watched that crappy New Kids cartoon back in the early 90s? Who, dammit?

Just get on the floor and do the New Kids dance!

And now for some randomness ...

Here's the pop n' lock, break dancing crew Jabbawockeez. I won't make fun of them because I totally have a B-boy fetish that knows no bounds. Even if it's cheesy. I see a guy do the robot and I fall in love. I honestly cannot tell you why. B-boys are just sexy to me. They can dance and they are always in excellent shape. I've never met a B-boy who was a complete asshole. They reduce me to giggles and blushing. In Bakersfield there was a breaker I knew who I called "Farm Boy" in my head because he always wore plaid shirts and had red hair. Alone he looked unassuming. But put down some cardboard and he suddenly came alive the most magnetic man in the world with that big smile and all the spinning.

But I'm going to stop writing about it now because if I go on for too long it starts to get embarrassing and all TMI -- too much information. So I'll leave you with this: I have a B-boy fetish. It is the only fetish I have. I don't advertise that, lest I have every skeevy guy who studied a Darrin's Dance Grooves video pushing up on me.

As if the Pussycat Dolls weren't ridiculous enough, now we have Girlicious. They have a "I'm hotter than you" song called "Like Me." It doesn't suck. But then I like crappy dance pop. I own an Eden's Crush album.

Seriously, it totally did not suck that hard. There were some good tracks on there.

But I have utter disdain for the Pussycat Dolls. Other than their overplayed "Don't Cha" I've found them dull. But hey. If you have abs and you're willing to be half nekkid all the time, I say go for it.

You could do worse.

THE ROCK FOUNDATION

And her is Dwayne Johnson, aka The Rock, gorgeous as ever, but in need of a shave at a premiere event of his new film "Get Smart," where he stars with Anne Hathaway and Steve Carrell. (I love all three actors so I will be plunking down my $7.50.) This premiere was held in Las Vegas as a part of his charity The Rock Foundation. (The Rock loves the kids!) He received a Brenden Star inside of the Palms Casino Hotel.

Kimora With Cupcakes and Theo Huxtable Sings?

Today's celebrity photo roundup is very random. Just pics of my homegirl, Florissant, Mo.'s own, not-black-black-person Kimora Lee Simmons at a party thrown for her and former Vibe Magazine editor-in-chief Emil Wilbekin by Giant Magazine.

Also featured are pictures from the Essence Music Festival featuring Malcolm Jamal Warner, performing, with his band, Faith Evans in some of the World's Ugliest Clothes, Anthony Hamilton and, of all people, "media personality" Sway.

But first, Kimora and all her expensive jewelry, camera-hogging, pretending-to-eat-a-cupcake glory.

First off. I'm always a little concerned when people try to do the "sexy face" on camera. It's not that Kiki isn't sexy. It's just ... no. The squint. The sloppily open mouth. The fact that she did it half assed when she is/was a professional fashion model. She knows how to give good face. What the hell, Kiki? This is all kinds of wrong. Plus, in real life, she would just inhale that cupcake, but since she poured herself into the tightest little black dress she could find she can't risk it.

WireImage is consistently inadequate in their descriptions of photos. This pic was labeled as Simmons and "family." Who? Who are these family members? Cousins? Half-siblings? Full siblings? Please explain! When you're a not-black-black-person, who's black, Korean and Japanese anyone could be your family.

Kimora always knows where the camera is ... even for a "spontaneous" hug with fellow party honoree Emil Wilbekin.

I swear. When I look at the photos I can hear the loudness of Kimora's laugh. Because when you're already a six-foot-tall Glamazon you really need a voice that can be heard from several blocks away.

While Kimora was holding in her stomach for cute party pics, Malcolm Jamal Warner, aka "Theo Huxtable," was throwing down for Essence Magazine. I didn't even know he could blow.

Anthony Hamilton

The first of "Faith Evans What the Hell Are You Wearing?" Black leather jacket and black thigh high boots with a flimsy, multi-colored baby doll dress. Girl ... stop. It's one-part Strawberry Shortcake and one-part pirate themed stripper.

Anthony Hamilton and wife Tarsha

I don't care if Sway and MJW stand next to it and point. I'm still not drinking Coke Zero.

And Sway's got on an Andy Warhol-esque Obama T-shirt.

And now for part two ... more pirate boots, skinny jeans and a Led Zeppelin T-shirt. I won't ask her to name a Zeppelin song (I'm all about "Babe I'm Gonna Leave You.") as a lot of people wear rock n' roll band shirts just because they look neat. But really, girl? What are you wearing? And that purse is so big she could kill Theo and smuggle his body out in it. I'm not saying pirate boots with the skinny jeans are a bad thing. On some women they look absolutely amazing. But they make Faith look like she's gotta a lil' Captain in her.