It's hard to go through the motions of love and not fall in love. Some people can pull of the act of "best friends with benefits," but often, for one friend, it isn't beneficial at all.
How can you hold back your feelings when you can talk about almost anything, do almost anything, be almost anything but the thing you desire? There can be loveless sex, but when you care about someone it can easy turn into making love and wishing the feeling was real and not just a sometimes situation
For this latest Doomed Romance entry, our writer was someone's "lover," but never his love and her heart still aches long after the affair is over.
Irony, I must live off it.
I have been talking to one man since January. I actually met him online. In any case, we were just friends. I could handle that, until three months down the road, a seemingly and perfectly platonic relationship turned into just a little more. He said he didn't really want a girlfriend and I could handle that too, that he was really only interested in showing and touching, and hooking up once in a while. We would talk for hours, laugh and carry on as if we hadn't a care in the world. Things I think started to get more serious in the summer time. I started to feel things for him, that I promised myself, I wouldn't, and knew wasn't allowed.
I knew no matter what he said, he couldn't and wouldn't allow himself to feel the same way I felt about him. He's an ageist. I'm only 23 and he's 32. It wasn't until late August when he finally came out and pulled the table from under me. Ended all the good times I thought we were having.
Maybe it was unfair of me to let my guard drop, and tell him how I felt, but being brave and honest are two things upon which I pride myself.
Now whenever I speak to him, its "I want a girlfriend" this and "I am going to make more moves to find a wife" that. He always says women from our region of the country aren't into him. I want to remind him that I was his. With out question.
I miss him now. I sometimes feel helpless, but mostly lonely. I miss our talks, I miss the sex, but mostly I miss my friend. He made me feel invincible, and special, and loved all at the same time. I will always wonder what could have been between us, if we only had the chance. C'est la vie though. I guess better luck next time.